


the most fun i've ever had

by classichowell



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, M/M, sorry i like suffering lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-03
Updated: 2019-11-03
Packaged: 2021-01-20 22:35:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21289271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/classichowell/pseuds/classichowell
Summary: quoted:"hell, you never let go, not once. and i'm so grateful".
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 12





	the most fun i've ever had

**Author's Note:**

> hi!  
i don't know what this is. i think i just woke up one day and decided i wanted to suffer, so now you have to too :')  
please be kind, i haven't written much in a while and english is not my first language. constructive criticism is obviously appreciated though!  
enjoy ~

dear phil,  
there was a time when i wasn't happy.  
i felt so sad i thought i could break down at any given moment.  
i felt so lost i couldn't find the way home. honestly, i felt like i didn't even have one.  
i felt so bad, so damn bad. i was so scared.

and then, there you were. you, and your contagious smile and laughter. your deep, blue eyes, saving me from drowning completely.  
and yes, in a way i drowned. but your eyes aren't the same as a cliff.  
you were there to keep me sane, to love me even when i was at my lowest point, even when i was falling to pieces.  
hell, you never let go, not once. and i'm so grateful.

you know, i wasn't quite sure whether it was appropriate for me to write this to you. i feel like we've known each other long enough to understand each other's feelings and thoughts, almost as if we were the same person.

and yet here i am, writing this to you because i don't want to let go. you're slowly fading away, and i don't want to let go.

do you remember when you told me i was going to be okay? do you remember when you assured me i wouldn't be scared again?  
i believed you, blindly. but apparently i shouldn't have.  
because now you're going away, and i won't be okay anymore, i will be scared and i will fall. and i don't want to.

by now, one would think i'd be strong enough to do this on my own, i should be able to take care of myself and go on. but how can i, when all i learnt to do to survive was because of you?  
and it's not fair, it's not fair in any way, because i still love you, i still consider you the most precious thing i have.  
and it seems that you don't, not anymore.

it breaks me, phil. it hurts so much.  
last time i felt so hurt was 7 years ago and you were there to save me, while i kept pushing you away.  
and now? now it feels like 7 years ago.  
but you're not by my side anymore, and willingly going away, and i have no choice but letting you do so.

goodbye, phil.  
these years, it was the most fun i've ever had.

**Author's Note:**

> please let me know what you think about this!  
hugs  
\- kim xx


End file.
